So sorry for being MIA on my blog lately. I know everyone was probably freaking out.
Calm down.
Seriously.
Stop.
It’s embarassing……
I do have a reason for my extended absence, however. I have been working on what one might call a super blog.
Trust me. This is going to blow your mind.
Unfortunately I’m going on Kairos so it might not be up for another week or so.
Right now my fam is dying Easter Eggs.
GOTTA JET!
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When Betsy Tampke wakes up in the morning to her Costco coffee and Fiber One bar, she doesn’t just step into any car. No, she puts her fabulous foot into a black 1994 Volvo. That’s right, the same brand of car that the Cullen’s drive.
But as her super-star reputation has shown, Betsy is determined to stand out. So when she got her relatively unharmed new-ish car, she made certain that she gave it all the bells and whitsles to make it one of a kind:
1. A rugged apperance: Everything Betsy Tampke has worn since 7th grade has looked like it walked straight out of an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine. Therefore when Onyx came into her life she wanted to make sure he matched her ripped jeans and carefully distressed and layered polos. But when Betsy wants to make her car look as worn out as her jeans she doesn’t just let anyone do it, no, Betsy personally ensured that Onyx had had at least one major dent in each side, a part of his siding ripping off, and a busted up head light before she had even been driving him for a year. Well done.
2. Special conditions: Just like his momma, Onyx refuses to be treated like an object. If you wish to ride in Onyx you can’t just use any door. No, you must first prove yourself a worthy passenger by climbing in through one of the doors on the driver’s side. And this isn’t just a test of honor, Onyx literarly will not allow the doors on the passenger’s side to open (a small price to pay for a truely rugged apperance).
3. Diva tendencies: Just like Betsy is infamous for only working under the perfect conditions, Onyx is a diva! Onyx will work what he wants…. how he wants… when he wants.
When Betsy first started driving Onyx back in 2009 he decided that he wasn’t going to play the radio anymore. But he just didn’t prevent her from listening to her hit singles on Mix 93.3, he made sure that he wouldn’t play cassets, CDs or iPods either. But after giving Betsy the silent treatment for three solid months he rewarded her with a very sporadic and bass heavey reception. Done like a true prima donna.
And Onyx isn’t just picky with what Betsy hears, he’s picky about what Betsy sees as well. About two weeks ago, Onyx decided what Betsy wasn’t going to see: the ROAD. Because he didn’t feel like it, Onyx refused to operate his wiper on the driver’s side, while simultaneously proving his ability to work a wiper by keeping the passenger side spectaculary. Betsy has tried to repair this quirk in Onyx several times but because he is a D-I-V-A, he refuses to be fixed. Just last week he stopped his wipers in their tracks in the middle of the pouring rain, going 45 mph on Roe. The usually fabulous Betsy was without her sworski crystal cell phone and left with no choice but to stick her head out the window in order to see for the next 15 minutes.
Onyx is a perfect example of a tortured artist. When his fast-paced life takes a toll on Onyx’s delicate emotional state, he doesn’t check into a day spa. No, he has a first class freak out. Halting every operation that allows him to function, even his accelerator and brake. But when Onyx has a breakdown he wants the world to know, so he likes to flash all of his lights and stops in the most public of places. His favorite spot for a freak out? Ward Parkway. Just yesterday Onyx decided to freak out on Ward Parkway in the middle of rush hour traffic. Forcing Betsy to call her personal assistant and part-time mother, Marilyn, to come and pick her up.
When Betsy wakes up to her favorite vehicle she knows she is in for the thrill of a lifetime.
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This year I think the pop culture gods all sat down in a circle and said,” You know what? Let’s give Betsy Tampke a special Olympic wrapped treat this year.”
Seriously how did I not know about this sport!? It’s like regular pair (figure) skating except the dances are themed, you can use music with lyrics, and you aren’t allowed to jump or throw your partner. I don’t really care about the differences except for one…
This is not the olympic performance but I can’t seem to find in on NBC’s website (maybe you will have better look than I did).
The best part about this is that this three minute routine upset a ton of people! It’s like a soap opera on ice! The Aboriginal people were (understandably) really offended by this routine. And concerns were brought to the Russian pair before the Olympics, but did Oskana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin (the skaters) decide to change their dance? Of course not, the settled instead for modifying their costumes.
Here are the original costumes:
the modified:
There are so many things I could type right now… look at their faces….. it’s just too easy.
Watching this actually made me want to cry because it was so awesome.
Next time the olympics roll around keep your eyes open…. the pop culture gods might turn the fates in your favor next.
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Ahhhh I am sorry to have kept you all waiting so long! And dreadfully apologetic for breaking my word; this week turned out to be a lot busier than I had originally expected.
As a recompense for my prolonged absense I hunted down visual evidence of how all vampire shows are almost exactly the same… please observe the three leading men in True Blood (Bill), Twilight (Edward), and Vampire Diaries (Stefan):
(Props to Bill for looking extra creepy)
Although there are many descrepancies in the vampire world, and it is killing me not to document all of them, I decided for all of our sanity’s sake to just focus on three major ones in my belated spread sheet. Hopefully this will be helpful if…. well…. actually now that I think about it this isn’t very beneficial to anyone, except for maybe pointing out that my obsession has gone a little too far.
| True Blood | Twilight | Vampire Diaries | |
| Blood | - can feed on humans without killing them (Bill feeds on Sookie all of the time)
- Humans can drink vampire blood and get like…. superpowers (?) for a while, also it heals wounds |
- basically every time a vampire feeds on a human (unless they are changing them) the human dies- Vampires don’t even have blood so…. | - can feed on humans without killing them (although Stefan never feeds on Elena
- humans have to drink vampire blood in order to change, and it makes humans kind of drunk-like |
| Weaknesses/death | - Silver burns vampires and makes them really weak- after someone drinks from a vampire it makes the vampire weak for a while-sunlight is a killer, if a vampire is in it for too long they burn up
-can’t come into a house unless they have been invited in, however a human can “resend their invitation” and the vampire won’t be allowed to enter the house again - Can die by fire, sunlight, and silver |
- No weaknesses, except sunlight kind of, because that only makes you sparkle a bit-vampires only die by getting torn up into little pieces and burned | - Any kind of wood will make vampires weak and if struck through the heart they die-Sunlight will make them burn and die (but luckily Stefan and Damon have rings that let them walk in the sunlight…. Yeah not really sure how that works)-vervain (an herb… duh!) will make vampires weak if they consume it (so if you want to ward off vampires, you should eat it!), nullify their powers if you wear it (so they can’t “glamour” you [see super powers]), and kill them if consumed in mass quantities
-can’t go into a house unless they have been “invited in” but once they have been invited it doesn’t matter what the human does the vampire can always get back in |
| Superpowers | - Vampires can “glamour” humans (it’s like intense brain washing)-Super fast, strong, and have heightened senses- becoming a vampire does not automatically make them super attractive | - Although it is never explicably stated I think vampires can “dazzle” people-Super fast, strong, and have heightened senses- becoming a vampire automatically turns you into a super model | - Vampires can “glamour” humans-Super fast, strong, and have heightened senses- becoming a vampire does not automatically make them super attractive
- the more experienced vampires can control their surroundings (Damon likes to mess with people before he kills them by creating fog and sending a crow) |
Well I just read this and realized that I know far too much about vampire fiction than anyone should. Maybe I should switch up stereo typical teenage girl genres…. werewolves seem promising…
Thanks for reading.
xoxo
B-Tamp
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Vampire shows are stupid.
Believe it or not I once actually thought this! I know some of you are probably recovering from shock at the moment but try to compose yourself. I was once a nonbeliever but all it took was a 13 hour Vampire Diaries marathon, a week long True Blood immersion, and multiple readings of the Twilight books to convert me to the vampire genre and discover my true destiny:
to become obsessed with vampire pop culture, and subsequently use it as my third blog topic.
Now, normally my pop culture obsessions and I live together rather peacefully (I had a fairly successful run with all things related to wizards). The only problem is that vampire shows are kind of um…… similar.
Here are some plot summaries of my three biggest obsessions.
Twilight
Setting: Forks (SMALL TOWN), Washington
Plot: A caucasian brunette teenage girl (Bella)
falls in love with a dark haired caucasian vampire teenage boy who doesn’t drink human blood and is really over 100 years old (Edward). 
Edward loves Bella but also really wants to drain her blood, but it is very important that he doesn’t ever taste her because then he wouldn’t be able to stop himself and she would end up dying. Edward can read minds but can’t read Bella’s. He has this really cool family that doesn’t drink human blood either and they all have like freaky/awesome super powers. The only kicker is that there is this like “ruling family” (the volturi)
who scares them and ends up almost killing everyone a couple of times. Oh yeah, and the Cullens (the vampire family) are fabulously wealthy.
Vampire Diaries
Setting: Mystic Falls (SMALL TOWN), Virginia
Plot: [it's crazy complicated but I'll do my best] A caucasian brunette teenage girl (Elena)
falls in love with a darkhaired caucasian vampire teenage boy who doesn’t drink human blood and is really over 100 years old (Stephen…. sounds a bit familiar right?).
Elena’s parents died in a car crash so she gets to live with her really fun aunt, but she also has this really messed up younger brother who borders on becoming a drug addict (Jeremy).
Not to mention her African American bestfriend (Bonnie),
is really a witch (her genes date back to the Salem witch trials). Plus Stephen has this darkhaired caucasian vampire brother (Damon) 
who is really mean, eats people, and kills a lot of Stephen’s vampire friends. Stephen and Damon are of course really wealthy and have a fairly complex relationship but neither of them have super powers. There are a ton of other little subplots, complicated backgrounds, but you get the gist of it….. hopefully.
True Blood
Setting: Bon Temp (SMALL TOWN), Louisianna
Plot: A blonde 26 year old girl (Sookie)
falls in love with a dark haired caucasian 30-something year-old vampire who is really over 100 years old (Bill).
Sookie can read people’s minds, but she can’t read Bills (hmm….). Almost no one in the cast is completely human, several people have gap teeth, and everyone talks with a thick southern accent. Vampires have come “out of the coffin” and are expected to get their nutrition off of this Asian synthetic blood (True Blood).
Sookies parents died in a car crash so she still lives with her really fun grandma, but she also has this really messed up little brother who borders on becoming a drug addict (Jason…. also seems similar).
Sookie’s African American bestfriend (Tara)
ends up accidently summoning a devil creature, almost leads to the demise of the town and on a lesser note dates a guy who is really in love with Sookie and also turns out to be a dog. Also, they have this sheriff system…….. actually nevermind this show is wayyy too crazy complicated to even try to explain.
Now the plots, despite minor differences (like character names), manage to differ in the one thing that makes it almost impossible to stay faithful to all of them.
Mythology.
Seriously, every single show has a different set of rules, and it’s very frustrating when Bill walks into the sunlight and burns to a crisp and Edward walks into the sunlight and sparkles like a little fairy.
Now, I could – and believe me almost did – write a novel length post comparing and contrasting the different vampire rules (and how frustrating it is for me, the obsess-ee ), but my good friend Mollie gave me the idea of typing up a spreadsheet like solution. Unfortunately for all of you, I will need a little more time to complete it (this is going to become my top priority homework) so look for a spreadsheet explaining all of the rules (and my frustration) around the middle of the week.
Toodles,
Vampire girl.
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Today I got a hair cut.
It’s the same every time: I sit down and the hairdresser does her best to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible.
First of all, she usually looks something like this:
Usually I try not to judge, but today’s experience was especially gruesome.
The awkward forced conversation started off well enough.
First, as they usually do, she asked me if I straightened my hair often… this was followed by a stiff, uncomfortable silence when I admitted that I didn’t.
The silence got especially heavy when I let it slip that I don’t even own a quality ($100+) straightener.
Next, she asked me which product I used. My answer is really irrelevant because no matter which one I say I am swiftly informed that my shampoo/condition/moose contains too much sodium and will therefore dry up my hair, cause it to fall out and/or probably turn me into a cat.
But conveniently, the only solution is for me to purchase the most expensive product to ensure my should-be-straightened hair can lock in enough moisture to rival Niagra Falls.
However nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the awkward attempts at conversations.
First we start off talking about my life:
Yes, I have gone to private school my whole life… Yeah, St. Teresa’s is ALL GIRL….. uhhhh I guess you could say all of the “Hotties” (as you put it) go to Rockhurst, the all boys school…. Yes, we have our own dances…. Yes, I have been to the Rockhurst dances….No, I do not have a boyfriend…Yes, I do indeed know boys and occasionally talk to them…. No, I wouldn’t say I go on a lot of “dates”…I work at Planet Sub… No, I do not wish to tell you any of the “hot gossip” in my friend group, what I am doing tonight, or the deepest darkest secrets of my soul.
Seriously! I came to get my haircut, not to find a new best friend. As much as I love getting stereo-typed as a spoiled, private school, boyfriend-less, sheltered teenager, I’d rather not “open up” to you. Pardon me for not feeling quite comfortable enough with you and the 60 year-old woman getting her hair done next to us
to talk about who I have a “crush” on.
However, this is nothing compared to when the hairdresser starts to talk about her life.
No, I do not want to hear about how you moved out of your house at 17, got an apartment with your best friend, all of the crazy parties you guys had, or how she drunk-drove your car into a median…. I’m not interested in your clubbing experiences… I don’t really care what celebrity people say you look like… I’m not sure how to respond to your story about fighting with your mom…… and please, plleeaaaassseee don’t tell me about any of your boyfriends (current or past ones).
After hairdressers notice that I would “prefer not to” talk about my own life, I am always amazed at how they feel the need to launch into theirs. Is their a course in beautition school called “Making your clients feel awkward: extremely personal stories”? Call me heartless, but I would rather not get shampooed while listening to you talk about your teenage eating disorder; there is a perfectly fine Ashlee Simpson song playing in your salon right now, can’t we just enjoy it in silence?
The worst part is that the hairdressers expect you to think that they are cool after all of their stories. That you can only hope your life will turn out as exciting as theirs undoubtably is. However, they assure me that I “shouldn’t be too jealous” of them because once I am an adult clubbing will get really old after a while.
Thank you. I was really starting to envy your life.
I wish I could sit down in the chair and say, “I just want a trim, no layers, and please no small talk and/or soul searching.”
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While I am enjoying a lovely picnic my beautiful boyfriend made me (although of course he isn’t eating) and sharing the deepest secrets of my soul, the sound a thousand violins suddenly echos through the magical meadow. Reluctantly I tear myself away from this guy,
roll over and shut off “alarm sound #14″ on my phone.
According to my 1950s-Barbie-riding-in-a-convertible clock its 6:35 am. Time to wake up, get dressed and prepare for another morning in the Gold Mine.
The Gold Mine, Betsy? Have you switched professions? Handed in your green Planet Sub apron for a hard helmet and… other gold mining tools?
No, no. Fear not loyal blog readers and quality sandwich traffickers, the Gold Mine isn’t my job. It’s STA.
Or the basement of Donnelly, to be a little more exact.
Every morning, as I head towards Ms. Wallerstedt’s room, I am greeted with living, breathing gold.
The teachers include Mr. Whitney, Mr. Shrock, Ms. Rueschhoff, Ms. Dibble, Ms. Flores, Ms. Wallerstedt and Mr. Sirridge (not to mention all of the students, I couldn’t of hand-picked more perfect fellow miners). I mean, come on! (Kathleen, I know you think that 3rd floor of M & A is king but it really doesn’t even compare….)
Every day it’s guaranteed that Mr. Sirridge will yell out “LAURA NEENAN LET’S GET TO CLASS!”, Ms. Wallerstedt will make a strange noise if Mary Franke asks her about her day, and someone will be singing and/or dancing.
I’m not kidding. Every day a few other Gold Miners and myself will pick a song and then proceed to serenade, dance and harmonize with each other. Yesterday the song was “Follow Me” By Uncle Kracker:
(After watching it with sound I highly suggest you watch it again without sound as I just did. I’m not really sure how the two girls dancing around in their underwear fits in, but I really enjoyed the giant American flag)
Some other memorable song recreations have been “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” (Mulan), “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” (Wham), “2 AM” (Anna Nalick), and of course anything by Avril Lavigne. Every time I have a bad day I always look forward to “dancing it out” with my fellow Gold Miners.
A few of them have also adopted the habit of shouting out a name and following it with squatting down and saying “Ooo- ah -ah” for example (fast forward to about 1:49) :
One of my favorites was “VANNICE OOO- AH- AH!” although I am pretty sure every teacher in the basement, excuse me, Gold Mine has been a victim to this at least once.
I guess what I am trying to say is that if STA is my home, the people in the basement of Donnelly are my family, and the Gold Mine itself is my room. It is the place where I most comfortable and happiest at STA. Every day I am excited to come to school and talk to all of my peers in the basement, laugh with the teachers, and finish every day with a song and dance. Every morning it’s worth pulling myself away from Edward
because I know that what is waiting for me in the Gold Mine is soooo much better.
Think your advisory/floor is cooler than mine? Leave a comment and prove it!
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