The Fabulous life of Betsy Tampke, and her car of choice, Onyx

THE FOLLOWING IS TO BE READ LIKE AN EXCERPT OF THE SHORT LIVED BUT MUCH LOVED TV SERIES ON VH1 “THE FABULOUS LIFE”:

When Betsy Tampke wakes up in the morning to her Costco coffee and Fiber One bar, she doesn’t just step into any car. No, she puts her fabulous foot into a black 1994 Volvo. That’s right, the same brand of car that the Cullen’s drive.

But as her super-star reputation has shown, Betsy is determined to stand out. So when she got her relatively unharmed new-ish car, she made certain that she gave it all the bells and whitsles to make it one of a kind:

1. A rugged apperance: Everything Betsy Tampke has worn since 7th grade has looked like it walked straight out of an Abercrombie and Fitch magazine. Therefore when Onyx came into her life she wanted to make sure he matched her ripped jeans and carefully distressed and layered polos. But when Betsy wants to make her car look as worn out as her jeans she doesn’t just let anyone do it, no, Betsy personally ensured that Onyx had had at least one major dent in each side, a part of his siding ripping off, and a busted up head light before she had even been driving him for a year. Well done.

2. Special conditions: Just like his momma, Onyx refuses to be treated like an object. If you wish to ride in Onyx you can’t just use any door. No, you must first prove yourself a worthy passenger by climbing in through one of the doors on the driver’s side. And this isn’t just a test of honor, Onyx literarly will not allow the doors on the passenger’s side to open (a small price to pay for a truely rugged apperance).

3. Diva tendencies: Just like Betsy is infamous for only working under the perfect conditions, Onyx is a diva! Onyx will work what he wants…. how he wants… when he wants.

When Betsy first started driving Onyx back in 2009 he decided that he wasn’t going to play the radio anymore. But he just didn’t prevent her from listening to her hit singles on Mix 93.3, he made sure that he wouldn’t play cassets, CDs or iPods either. But after giving Betsy the silent treatment for three solid months he rewarded her with a very sporadic and bass heavey reception. Done like a true prima donna.

And Onyx isn’t just picky with what Betsy hears, he’s picky about what Betsy sees as well. About two weeks ago, Onyx decided what Betsy wasn’t going to see: the ROAD. Because he didn’t feel like it, Onyx refused to operate his wiper on the driver’s side, while simultaneously proving his ability to work a wiper by keeping the passenger side spectaculary. Betsy has tried to repair this quirk in Onyx several times but because he is a D-I-V-A, he refuses to be fixed. Just last week he stopped his wipers in their tracks in the middle of the pouring rain, going 45 mph on Roe. The usually fabulous Betsy was without her sworski crystal cell phone and left with no choice but to stick her head out the window in order to see for the next 15 minutes.

Onyx is a perfect example of a tortured artist. When his fast-paced life takes a toll on Onyx’s delicate emotional state, he doesn’t check into a day spa. No, he has a first class freak out. Halting every operation that allows him to function, even his accelerator and brake. But when Onyx has a breakdown he wants the world to know, so he likes to flash all of his lights and stops in the most public of places. His favorite spot for a freak out? Ward Parkway. Just yesterday Onyx decided to freak out on Ward Parkway in the middle of rush hour traffic. Forcing Betsy to call her personal assistant and part-time mother, Marilyn, to come and pick her up.

When Betsy wakes up to her favorite vehicle she knows she is in for the thrill of a lifetime.

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